Let Me Help You NOT Be Stupid.

I was watching a Lifetime movie the other day (don’t judge me) and I actually learned two things. The first is that the Lifetime network is actually capable of producing a movie that stars neither Valerie Bertinelli nor Alyssa Milano. But the second is that Amish people actually can use electricity. They just want you to think they can’t. I don’t know why Amish people would want to perpetuate this lie, but I clearly saw them using electricity in this movie. They rode in cars, too. Yup, I checked, it was Amish people I was looking at.

So I had to do some research on the Internet and see what the deal was with these new-age, technologically advanced Amish people. I mean, how do we know it’s not all a front and the Amish have actually discovered cold fusion and a better smart car? What if they’re all sitting in hi-tech underground bunkers, Tweeting on their iPhones? I think my whole world view would just dissolve.

It turns out they don’t use electricity. Like I said, I checked. But in life threatening emergencies, doctors are allowed to use electricity on them. That just sounds weird. I don’t want people using electricity actually on my person. Regardless, as long as they’re not the ones flipping the switch (or driving the car, although they can accept a ride in a car), they’re still kosher.

Speaking of kosher, it’s kind of like certain denominations of Jews—what, you didn’t know Jewish people had denominations, like they’re all one big Jew or something—that have different beliefs about working on the Sabbath. Some Jews believe it’s a divinely ordained day to set aside a little bit of time for communing with God, and other die-hard Jews won’t even turn on a light switch because that’s technically work. I actually have a New York cousin (can you imagine another me, only not required by law to be polite?) who got in big trouble once as a kid when her parents found out she was charging the Jewish residents of their apartment building to come turn their lights on for them on the Sabbath. Ditto hitting the button in the elevator for them.

The really awesome thing about that employment plan wasn’t her ingenuity since her idea of manual labor only involved the pinkie finger, it was that her clients saw no problem with not only paying her to work, but paying her to go straight to hell for violating God’s command. Do you know how much I would be willing to pay to send key people straight to eternal damnation? How much would getting to pick the eternal verdict on Hitler and Glen Beck be worth to you?

I’ve decided on a similar business model in which my clients pay me to point out that they’re doing something stupid. Driving the car with your unbelted five-year-old in the front seat? That’ll be $12 for me to point out that you’re a slack-assed badgerhole, including the discount for getting to call you that to your face. Walking around with toilet paper stuck to your shoe? Costs you slightly less because a) you may not have known about it and 2) we’ve all been there. I could afford to pay for any future experimental full-face transplants if I could just prevent people from drunk texting their bosses ($50 a pop) or their ex-boyfriends ($35, because he was a loser and I really don’t want you two to get back together). Bitch-slapping you will cost extra.

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8 thoughts on “Let Me Help You NOT Be Stupid.

  1. Loved this blog post, thanks to RachelintheOC for pointing me this direction. I am now following you via email. I added the via email part so you wouldn’t think I was some crazy stalker or some such nonsense. I really have better things to do with my time, no I don’t not really that is why I clarified this for you. Please help me shut up so I don’t look TOO stupid but please DON’T bitchslap me. That would hurt.

    Cheers,

    Ardee-ann

    • You just became my favorite follower today! Take that, Mom! I won’t bitch slap you, at least not for free. But I think that’s a WHOLE OTHER kind of business. I’m not above a little dominatrix income, as long as I don’t have to be weird. You can be weird as you wanna be, I’m gonna wear jeans and a T-shirt and maybe some bunny slippers while I knock the crap outta you with my whip. No, I think I’ll stick to the stupidity prevention company. It’ll look better to the IRS. Thanks for following!

  2. Yeah, the Mennonites are the softer, fuzzier versions of the Amish. Years ago, there was a schism when part of the group decided they weren’t being austere enough so they broke away to become the Amish. Seems weird. I used to think it was the other way around and laughed when I found out the truth. “Hey, we’re having too much fun with all this pre-industrial lifestyle, so…”

    Great business model. If you’re going to run about pointing out stupidity, it’s a lot less frustrating to get paid for it.

    Lifetime, really?

    • Yeah, Lifetime, so what??? :~) It really was the Amish, a lot of people thought I might have been dreaming. And I don’t mean to poke fun, but it was the Lifetime movie about the Amish school shooting. Not funny at all. There, now I’ve brought awareness to a horrible, slightly preventable tragedy. Thanks for reading!

  3. You’re gonna be rich with this scheme– I want in. I think it’s the Mennonites- country cousins to the Amish– that can be semi-modern. Throwbacks to the time when our faces weren’t buried in a screen– big or small.

    Great and funny post!

  4. Lh: There is a confession web site. It’s a closely guarded secret. Only the real recidivist sinners like me are allowed go there.

    Lorca, I imagine if the Amish had really advanced hi-tech, they’d have found a way to break the twitter habit and use their iPhones for making calls.

    What are Lifetime movies, and who are Valerie Bertinelli and Alyssa Milano? And Glen Beck?

    I know who Adolf Hitler was.

    • Don’t worry, JJ, the only name in there you need to know is Hitler’s and that’s just so you can avoid him at parties. The others are nobodies, and I say that with all respect to Valerie and Alyssa. Glen, suck a big one.

  5. Very funny!! I think this is the best one yet. When we lived in Israel all of the elevators in the hotels stopped at every floor on the Sabbath so no one had to push the little button. I wish someone would invent some kind of neat stuff to make it easier for Catholics!How about a confession website. You just upload your sins and download your penance. Very 21st century–

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