Honey, You Been Lied To

I’ve been eagerly watching the news in hopes that this tragic story would die down and we could all just get on with our lives, but it seems like that’s not going to happen soon. When something this monumental takes place, as citizens we can’t just look for a band-aid solution and put it behind us. We have to investigate every angle and whip that dead horse until it gets up and rides again.

Yup, another famous man was so enamored of his own genitalia that he felt like more people should be allowed to appreciate its greatness. As a woman, I know of lots of other women who are outraged. I don’t think “rage” is exactly what I feel, mostly I just feel sorry for Congressman Weiner because he’s been operating under false assumptions for years.

Many, many years ago, someone, probably his sweet mother, held him in her lap (let’s hope this was a really long time ago) and told him he could be anything he wanted to be when he grew up. Well, she lied. You cannot run for President with the last name Weiner, and one of the sad truths to come out of this scandal was all the speculation that a lot of people in the higher up parts of politics really thought this guy had a chance at the White House. Even if he didn’t look sort of skinny-rodent-like, his last name is Weiner. That’s not a campaign I can live through.

But that’s not the worst of the lies this poor man was told. The real whopper, the one that was his ultimate undoing, has been told to men all across the planet since the dawn of time. Basically, ever since the first caveman looked down and wondered, “What is this extra part for?” and then figured out what it’s for, men have been SHOWING it to people. Sadly, most of the people who end up having to see it either have one of their own to look at or are people who thank God on a daily basis that they don’t have to put up with having one.

And the lie is that men still think other people want to see it. How many celebrities have been caught showing their extra parts to people, often in public restrooms or darkened movie theaters, only to get arrested for it? Why aren’t there more mammas smacking their sons in the back of the head and saying, “If I ever find out you did something like that, I will make you wish I’d never given birth to you?” And Weiner certainly isn’t the first man to not only show it to someone, but to provide permanent, fossil-record kind of permanent proof that he did it by taking a picture and putting it on the Internet.

What men don’t realize about this lie they’ve been told is that women are not enthralled with looking at them. Think for a minute about the meteoric rise in popularity of Playgirl magazine. It hasn’t happened, has it? There’s a reason for that: it’s not that hard to get a man to take his pants off. You basically just have to ask, you certainly don’t need to go pay $4.99 at the gas station on the other side of the railroad tracks to buy a copy. I know men who would proudly show it to you without even thinking sex might be involved, just because they, too, have been told the lie.

If you’ve never had the chance to peek between the pages of Playgirl, let me enlighten you. It’s full of pictures of very rugged-looking, handsome men, lounging naked on porch swings or in various locales like that. Let me tell you something important, men:

The sexy part of that photo isn’t the penis, it’s the porch swing! Pause and re-read that sentence. If you’re still thinking of flashing people, online or in person, read it again.

Women who can appreciate the beauty of a handsome, sexy man are appreciative of his “charms,” but what’s really got most of the readership excited is the thought that just maybe there will be sex but that afterwards there will be coffee and conversation on that freakin’ porch swing, and oh, my, is that porch overlooking waterfront property? Holy hell, does this sexy man own a lake house? Swoon!

And before I mistakenly give the impression that women are shallow creatures who will have sex with someone just to get access to a wrap-around porch with gleaming hardwood floors, I have to tell you men are just as guilty. That’s why Playboy magazine has pictures of women lounging naked in bed or in showers or sprawled across motorcycles, because men are also hoping that after sex there will be something else to do, like sleep, shower, or ride a motorcycle. My favorite was the photo array of a very beautiful naked woman in a kitchen, because you know after that joyride is over he’s gonna want a sammich.

It is still interesting to me that Weiner was so heinously lied to that he’s not willing to step down as a member of our nation’s legislative branch. What kind of career can you hope to have now, sir? All I can picture about this man now is him sitting naked at the family computer at night, possibly using the same digital camera that he and his wife took on their vacation to the Grand Canyon. I can’t let the man who votes on the nation’s healthcare plan be the same man who is one episode of Chris-Hanson-from-Dateline away from being caught by a camera crew in a fake kitchen trying to meet a girl who was planted by a To Catch A Predator sting operation.

In summary, poor Congressman Weiner is the victim here, the victim of lies perpetrated by society and history itself. Slap him on his extra part and send him home in shame. He might actually have a future ahead of him if he takes on a new identity and changes his name. But I would have recommended that in the first place.

9 thoughts on “Honey, You Been Lied To

  1. Hey Lorca –

    It’s unbelievable to me that this man or any guy thinks what is he doing is cool, special, or unique. What’s worse is that he actually never considered if he would be caught doing something so idiotic as that. Some guys at the gym try to tell me he thinks he’s above the law. He isn’t that utterly ignorant, at least I hope not for our nation’s sake. Weiner is all that his last names personifies; he’s a weinnie. 🙂

  2. How ’bout the irony of a man named Weiner … taking a picture of his weiner. Really?!! If you were named after an appendage/food product wouldn’t you do everything in your power NOT to become a walking cliche? What a major dork

  3. Lorca. I agree with what you said about Weiner. He’s a pig by anyone’s standards and should not be representing women, men or especially children. You said it well!

    I know you from Twitter and I hope you know me a bit to know I am not a bad person. We joke and laugh but I also learn from you and many others. I also know you to be a good writer with skills I envy. I wanted to reply to some of the other things you said and in a friendly, maybe even humors way.

    We, who are lucky enough to possess the appendage you spoke of, are not all of the same ilk, but I do think we think differently than those don’t have that advantage. That’s a joke. Some of us even get along well with the other.

    I’m a writer and I know and enjoy the fact that I must get along with women; as agents, publishers, editors and the most important, readers! Books are a woman’s world. My books do have a male flavor to them but they also show women in strong roles of equal or more than equal character.

    Do men look at women and enjoy them? Oh yes. Do we want to throw all you down on the kitchen floor and make wild passionate love to you… now I’ve backed myself into a corner. Truly the answer is no, but I find most men still have that young man inside and probably think about things like that from time to time. We could care less about a garden swing—a beach house, maybe.

    The old adage and I apologize in advance: God gave men two heads, but only enough blood to run one at a time. The good news is we use our brains most of the time.

    I’ve been married for more than 35 years and it took almost 30 of those years to learn to appreciate what I had in a great, wonderful, loving woman. Do I look at other women? Yes. But I’m not looking to put another notch on my motorcycle handlebars.

    On the other side of the coin: Why are there beauty parlors and cosmetic shops everywhere I look? Why do women wear things that reveal what a great figure they have? I love women for their character, wit, charm, intelligence and of course the way they look. I don’t think I’ve ever whipped my ‘little buddy’ out to show anyone except in intimate, private concerns.

    I just wanted to let a man intrude into a woman’s world for a moment and give an opinion from an appendaged one. I always read your blog and enjoy it! You are great, Lorca. I smiled through the entire writing of this reply. I hope you will too.

    • You just hit the nail on the…um…head. It is kind of evil of us to spend so much money on the cosmetics industry then declare men pigs for looking at us. What I wish more women knew is what the men were really thinking: “holy crap, what is that goop smeared all over her face???” The myth was broken a long time ago, men think we look ridiculous in full make-up and poofied up hair!

      I think the real humor I was trying to poke fun at wasn’t necessarily the internet activities of poor Mr. Weiner, but the fact that he seems shocked that his constituents and colleagues didn’t appreciate it. I don’t understand people of note, men or women, who work so hard to get to the top only to throw themselves off the summits violently by doing something illegal or dumb. How many Congressional sex scandals have we had so far? If I had worked that hard and knew there were hired sniffers from my opponents rooting through my trash at that very moment looking for anything that would prevent me from winning the next election, you couldn’t get me to use a restroom in public, let alone email naked pictures of myself to anonymous people!

    • Oh no, it’s just a term of colloquial humor based on a bastardized pronunciation of the word. No one actually pronounces or spells it that way in polite company.

  4. Funny. Hey, I could go for a beach house!! I’ll bet our latest congressional disgrace–sadly not our ONLY–doesn’t even have a beach house! Or a porch! Apparently not even some sexy underwear!

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