I’ve been eagerly watching the news in hopes that this tragic story would die down and we could all just get on with our lives, but it seems like that’s not going to happen soon. When something this monumental takes place, as citizens we can’t just look for a band-aid solution and put it behind us. We have to investigate every angle and whip that dead horse until it gets up and rides again.

Yup, another famous man was so enamored of his own genitalia that he felt like more people should be allowed to appreciate its greatness. As a woman, I know of lots of other women who are outraged. I don’t think “rage” is exactly what I feel, mostly I just feel sorry for Congressman Weiner because he’s been operating under false assumptions for years.

Many, many years ago, someone, probably his sweet mother, held him in her lap (let’s hope this was a really long time ago) and told him he could be anything he wanted to be when he grew up. Well, she lied. You cannot run for President with the last name Weiner, and one of the sad truths to come out of this scandal was all the speculation that a lot of people in the higher up parts of politics really thought this guy had a chance at the White House. Even if he didn’t look sort of skinny-rodent-like, his last name is Weiner. That’s not a campaign I can live through.

But that’s not the worst of the lies this poor man was told. The real whopper, the one that was his ultimate undoing, has been told to men all across the planet since the dawn of time. Basically, ever since the first caveman looked down and wondered, “What is this extra part for?” and then figured out what it’s for, men have been SHOWING it to people. Sadly, most of the people who end up having to see it either have one of their own to look at or are people who thank God on a daily basis that they don’t have to put up with having one.

And the lie is that men still think other people want to see it. How many celebrities have been caught showing their extra parts to people, often in public restrooms or darkened movie theaters, only to get arrested for it? Why aren’t there more mammas smacking their sons in the back of the head and saying, “If I ever find out you did something like that, I will make you wish I’d never given birth to you?” And Weiner certainly isn’t the first man to not only show it to someone, but to provide permanent, fossil-record kind of permanent proof that he did it by taking a picture and putting it on the Internet.

What men don’t realize about this lie they’ve been told is that women are not enthralled with looking at them. Think for a minute about the meteoric rise in popularity of Playgirl magazine. It hasn’t happened, has it? There’s a reason for that: it’s not that hard to get a man to take his pants off. You basically just have to ask, you certainly don’t need to go pay $4.99 at the gas station on the other side of the railroad tracks to buy a copy. I know men who would proudly show it to you without even thinking sex might be involved, just because they, too, have been told the lie.

If you’ve never had the chance to peek between the pages of Playgirl, let me enlighten you. It’s full of pictures of very rugged-looking, handsome men, lounging naked on porch swings or in various locales like that. Let me tell you something important, men:

The sexy part of that photo isn’t the penis, it’s the porch swing! Pause and re-read that sentence. If you’re still thinking of flashing people, online or in person, read it again.

Women who can appreciate the beauty of a handsome, sexy man are appreciative of his “charms,” but what’s really got most of the readership excited is the thought that just maybe there will be sex but that afterwards there will be coffee and conversation on that freakin’ porch swing, and oh, my, is that porch overlooking waterfront property? Holy hell, does this sexy man own a lake house? Swoon!

And before I mistakenly give the impression that women are shallow creatures who will have sex with someone just to get access to a wrap-around porch with gleaming hardwood floors, I have to tell you men are just as guilty. That’s why Playboy magazine has pictures of women lounging naked in bed or in showers or sprawled across motorcycles, because men are also hoping that after sex there will be something else to do, like sleep, shower, or ride a motorcycle. My favorite was the photo array of a very beautiful naked woman in a kitchen, because you know after that joyride is over he’s gonna want a sammich.

It is still interesting to me that Weiner was so heinously lied to that he’s not willing to step down as a member of our nation’s legislative branch. What kind of career can you hope to have now, sir? All I can picture about this man now is him sitting naked at the family computer at night, possibly using the same digital camera that he and his wife took on their vacation to the Grand Canyon. I can’t let the man who votes on the nation’s healthcare plan be the same man who is one episode of Chris-Hanson-from-Dateline away from being caught by a camera crew in a fake kitchen trying to meet a girl who was planted by a To Catch A Predator sting operation.

In summary, poor Congressman Weiner is the victim here, the victim of lies perpetrated by society and history itself. Slap him on his extra part and send him home in shame. He might actually have a future ahead of him if he takes on a new identity and changes his name. But I would have recommended that in the first place.