I do not consider myself an English snob, despite my extensive accolades as an English teacher and general smart person. When faced with a situation that warrants I can ya’ll with the best of them. Part of what I try to instill in my students is not that any colloquial spoken form is ever wrong but that there are appropriate and inappropriate times for the different formalities of speech.

For example, ain’t should never rear its ignorant head at a job interview, a wedding toast, or a eulogy. Referring to a male counterpart as bro’ is perfectly acceptable on a basketball court but not in a sales meeting. Thou shalt not ever use euphemisms to refer to one’s genitalia or the genitalia of others at any time in a speech before Congress.

There’s a time and a place for all words. Knowing that is important.

So part of the hardship of being an English teacher is trying to convince my students not to start their essays with the words, “Hey teach whas up? Not much heya.” It’s also shocking how often I have to explain that a number 3 cannot be used in place of the letter e in your writing and that just because e e cummings made a career out of never capitalizing anything doesn’t mean you are allowed to.

This is the portion of the rant and rave in which I blame current technology. It’s not just a cultural phenomen, just like every generation has had to endure from the demographic below them. I can blame the actual physical requirement of using the telephone to communicate with people without actually speaking. It’s easy to see why capitalization is falling out of favor with society because you have to press that pesky tiny SHIFT key on the itty-bitty phone in order to capitalize, but the 3 to represent the backwards e actually requires extra effort and tiny button pushing, so what gives?

But the worst by far is the pathological need to acronymize everything. We see LOL and LMAO everywhere these days, including on elementary school Valentine’s Day cards. BTW has wormed its idiotic way into inter-office memos and TTYL is a standard closing which people have even begun to speak by way of parting. If only the moron-go-round could stop there.

There are now whole pornographic and scandalous acronyms, letters standing in the place of terms our grandmothers never thought of. Suffice it to say, if anyone calls you a BBW you have every right to be incensed. If you are possibly dating a BBF, don’t be in a hurry to pick out china patterns. Even more surprising, if your friend admits to being a XDSM, be supportive but don’t loan him any of your clothes. If you blindly ignore my sage advice, I am prepared to ROFLMAO at you.