There are a lot of things in life that you just can’t be completely sure about. I can’t be sure that Republicans don’t actually hate poor people, that public schools don’t actually hate children, and that gifted children are really all that bright.

But now, the coup de grace, Taco Bell actually hates us. All these years they’ve been feeding us mystery meat. Have you ever watched them fill a taco with ground 35% beef? It comes in a tube that pops into a giant squeeze gun, like bathroom tile caulk. Squeezing the trigger doses each soft taco shell with an exact preordained measure of meat conglomerate. And there was ever a question that this stuff might be other than the highest grade of beef known to man?

This news has shaken the core of my belief foundation. What else am I only now beginning to question?

First of all, apparently it’s possible that I’m black. A doctor told me so a few years ago because of the way I scarred after an invasive surgery, but at the time I brushed that aside as just his weird medical opinion. Mostly because I’m the palest little Irish girl you’ll ever meet. But now, in light of my new attitude of constant questioning and doubt, I’m wondering. And as my black co-worker said to me, “It would explain your hair.” I let her comment slide.

An obvious culprit is religion. According to everything we’ve been taught, my husband gets to slide right on in to heaven when he dies but I have to wither in Purgatory for a few millennia. If anyone deserves to sit in a crowded standing-room-only waiting room with outdated magazines for a few thousand years, it’s him. Not saying I don’t have some sins to atone for, but c’mon, have you met him?

What else do we have to worry about? Can I really believe that televangelists are using my money to send missionaries to Borneo? Are Hollywood producers trying to inundate me with culturally relevant movies, or make a buck? Are bald eagles really endangered or is the government just trying to get me to stop eating them? Are trans fats truly bad for me or are people telling me that so they can horde them in case of a nuclear holocaust? First red M&Ms were safe, then they caused cancer, then they didn’t, but what if they actually do?

Thanks, Taco Bell. If you have been poisoning people all these years, why did you have to stop now? I know we live in an era of full disclosure thanks to the internet and all of the rabid conspiracy theorists, but some secrets are better off kept to yourselves. I guess it’s good to know the truth. Now I can take my business elsewhere, off to some other fast food chain that is only serving hand-raised free-range chickens that die of a stress-free natural death and were kind enough to marinate themselves organically before they died. And I’d like some trans fats to go with it, please.