I don’t have the secret rocket formula.

I am both embarrassed and ashamed about how little I know about current events. And my ignorance really isn’t out of apathy or laziness, but the time constraints of a working wife and mother. Basically, if it wasn’t newsworthy enough to appear on the Yahoo! homepage, then I can’t carry on a meaningful conversation about it. It is unfortunate how much crap about the Kardashian sisters appears on Yahoo! and various other sites that claim to carry the news.

But I have been catching snipets here and there about something called Wikileaks and some man named Julian Assange who is apparently outraged that he has been arrested for hacking into government computers, gathering top secret data, and posting it online. The name Wikileaks, right off the bat, doesn’t concern me, because if Wikileaks is as bad as Wikipedia about disseminating accurate information, I welcome their help in throwing off our enemies.

Several things have baffled me about the whole ordeal, not the least of which is why this man chosen to bear a startlingly similar resemblance to Draco Malfoy’s father from the Harry Potter movies. Seriously? Was it to just look all the more Scandinavian in an attempt to avoid prosecution under the mistaken belief that they would somehow hide you? You know what the Scandinavians value more than anything? It’s not privacy, sadly, it’s anonymity. And you just called attention to the fact that those few countries are still up there and they are still not part of Hitler’s government. They’ve been flying under the radar all this time and Mr. Assange just pointed out that they still exist. So they promptly handed him over.

First, I am absolutely shocked that it was easy for someone outside our government to access these secrets in the first place. I can’t get online and find out what time a movie will be showing in my hometown without three passwords and an established account that has been verified by two existing email addresses. How did he get this information in the first place?

Second, why are so many of our own citizens on his side? There was a comment posted on Twitter (I can work Twitter, of all things) by someone at least claiming to be Mr. Assange, and it was to the effect of this: “People. YOU elected this government and they don’t want YOU to know what they’re doing.” You’re absolutely right.

More importantly, I don’t want to know what they’re doing. But I have a very good reason for that.

In my humble opinion, there should be three people with the access codes to our nuclear weapons. One guy to turn the key, one guy to turn the other key so it isn’t just a fluke (I saw War Games in the eighties), and a third guy who stays at home with that knowledge just in case Thing One or Thing Two develops a raging stomach virus and can’t fulfill the duties of his job. Like the first runner-up in Miss America. She’s there in case the real Miss America can’t represent the crown with a smile, only we all hope we never need her since that would mean Miss America was either dead or had released an online sex tape.

If we go around telling every single citizen all the things that only a few people need to know, word is bound to get out. I, for one, will sing like a bird about how to get in and out of Fort Knox with the gold if you so much as point something sharp at me. I am not the one you want guarding that information.

I work in a prison and it sounds like a handbell choir when I walk down a hallway. I have keys to every cell door, every storage closet, every office door, the library, the cafeteria, etc. I can get in and out of the building any time I want to. The one key I don’t have? The key to the fence around the compound. And it’s not because they don’t trust me with it. They don’t trust Rocko, aka Inmate #82769. If Rocko thought for a minute that I had the key to the fence, he would slap me stupid, grab the key ring, and be in the next county before I had picked my self up off the floor. And trust me, this one missing key is a fact I point out to the general population every time I take them out into the yard.

Am I sticking my head in the sand and pretending my government is doing everything they do only because they care so much about me? Probably. Are they doing things that I and everyone else on the planet think they shouldn’t be doing? Well, duh. Is telling everyone in America where our next strike zone in the Middle East will be going to accomplish anything other than getting a lot of our soldiers and even more of their citizens killed? Of course not. That’s why I’m hanging on to every word of the Kardashian sisters.

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