There’s a terrible drawback to trying to break into the literary world while knowing that your mother has signed up to follow your emails, your blog, your Facebook posts and your tweets: every once in a while the opportunity to get your name out there comes in the form of writing erotic poetry.

Haiku, to be exact, with points awarded for raunchiness involving not only Hello Kitty, but unicorns as well.

I can’t do it. I tried. I even submitted. But I’m from Alabama and we don’t even refer to our private parts without whispering behind our hands and using cutsie euphemisms. My favorite is hoo-ha, although “cooter” is still popular with women of my generation.

I did my best. I even work in a prison, but I couldn’t get anywhere close to erotica. If you can do better, by all means find the Fine Print Literary contest for Allison Pang’s new release. Search for it on the Borrowing Heaven, Subletting Hell website and see if you can win. If you do, dibs on the darling stuffed animal.