I’m sitting on my couch enjoying the cheapest bottle of Merlot the gas station had, my kids by my feet watching a Christmas special while my husband sings all of the songs from memories of his own childhood watching these same nostalgic shows. The entire scene before me is so perfect that there really should be celestial creatures holding banners above the whole tableau. That is, until I look over and see that my child is using one of my special bamboo chopsticks to reach down inside the cast on her leg to reach an itch.
I would love to scream something very un-Christmas special-y right now. I lean over to my husband and say, “Get that from her and put it in the sink to be washed.” He replies something along the lines of that was the best use for that particular chopstick that he’s ever seen. And he has a point: I only eat with it.
I am forced to admit that it was pretty smart of her to get the longest, pointiest, non-lethal object in the house to solve her problem, namely an unreachable itch. However, when the elves on the show break into song and she begins conducting them with my chopstick, I have to take it all back.
I am not the first person to wax poetic about how stupid our country has gotten, so it’s a relief to see someone actually do something pretty smart. Case in point: I did some holiday baking yesterday. On the back of the bag of Jet-Puffed brand marshmallows there is seriously…wait for it…a recipe for S’mores. If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’. Go to the store and see for yourself. If you are so stupid that you cannot figure out how to make a s’more, you’re probably too stupid to get the bag of marshmallows open so it’s all moot.
The s’more recipe made me remember the second stupidest observation I had regarding food stuffs and their packaging. I picked up a can of Walmart-brand salmon a few weeks ago and turned it over to see if this variety was billed as boneless or not. There, on the back of the can, in large white letters, read the end of the world. It said, “Allergy Warning: Contains Fish.” I swear to you, the can of salmon warns you that this can contains fish.
Supposedly this generation has made more technological leaps than any other generation in history, including those during the Industrial Revolution, but just how smart can we be? We need to be taught how to squish a marshmallow between two graham crackers and throw some chocolate in there for fun? What’s next, the recipe for ice cubes? Don’t laugh, with the advent of installed ice makers, I know people who aren’t sure what that plastic tray with the individual square dents is for.
All we can do is hope for a better future, probably by beginning a worldwide pact to only breed smart people. Or at least letting people who are allergic to fish figure out what’s in the can.