I’m Going to New York and You’re Not

Don't worry, while you're staying in Newark these gentlemen will watch your car for you.

Thanks to this really cool website who lowered its standards enough to let me write stuff on their news feed, I’m going to New York. More specifically, I’m going to this really cool, really hip, NEW part of New York called Newark. I’ve heard really awesome things about it.

According to everything I’ve heard, they’re really into safety there, which is why there’s barbed wire all over the place. The vending machines even have barbed wire around them, and it’s to make sure that when you go to get yourself a soda, it doesn’t just take your money and not give you a drink because someone has stolen all the sodas from the machine.

There are these really cool parking lots all over Newark, and people are paid to just stand around the parking lot and watch your car for you. All kinds of different people, which makes me really appreciate their sense of equality. The parking lot owners don’t discriminate on the basis of looks, because even the most hardened of criminals can find gainful employment working for the parking lot people.

It’s really cool how all the women feel super safe in the city, because there are always women just walking around. They’re not even doing anything, they’re just walking up and down the sidewalks, talking to people in their cars, calling out to each other. It’s really great.

I am a little bit concerned that I haven’t been able to find any libraries or museums in Newark when I looked on Google, but that’s okay. They’re so close to New York that there’s probably no point in building ANOTHER opera house. They choose to spend their money on these really quaint buildings called Shelter. Shelters are everywhere in Newark, which is practically like that poem on the bottom of the Statue of Liberty, where it says, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.” The whole freakin’ city is one big welcome hug!

Probably the best thing about the whole new part of New York is the name. NEWARK. Like, New Ark. It’s Biblical! It’s the New Ark, like the one where Noah rescued all the animals, except New Ark is going to rescue all the people who wear all of their clothes at the same time and push their groceries in shopping carts everywhere they go.

It’s got to be just the bestest city in the whole world, and I get to go there this weekend! It’s okay if you’re jealous, I’ll bring you back a souvenir. One place I saw even sold friendly balloons in the bathrooms and syringes are available, like, EVERYWHERE, just in case a diabetic shows up and forgot their kit. It’s gonna be so neat!

6 thoughts on “I’m Going to New York and You’re Not

  1. You might want to follow Cory Booker the mayor of Newark, NJ on Twitter for a while before you make your trip. He is an awesome guy who is working hard to make Newark a better place to live. He also can say a LOT in 140 characters.



    • I think he should hire me as the city’s tourism director. I can make ANYTHING look good! I don’t know about following the mayor, last time I followed a mayor he took out a restraining order. Besides, I’m afraid he might shatter some of my amazing perceptions of the city.

      And btw, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NEWARK, NJ? Newark is in New Jersey???

      • Yep, Newark is in NJ…maybe your plane will land in NY! Cory will change your whole view of Newark. He is a great guy who is busting his butt to make Newark a better place.


        • Um, well, I’m here. Let’s just say he has his work cut out for him, and leave it at that. There’s a drug deal going on in the room next door and my whole hotel room smells like syphilis.

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