“And the Oscar Is Revoked From…”

Some of the worst cinematic experiences, aside from sitting in front of a row of teenagers who talk about Gossip Girl episodes during the entire movie, are when books are made into epic fail movies. I’m going to burn in hell for this statement, but I dare you to defy me:

I can’t stand the movie To Kill A Mockingbird.

There, I said it. But deep down in the part of your soul that you don’t talk about, you know I’m right. Gregory Peck—you know, the guy who won the freakin’ Oscar for his portrayal of Atticus Finch—acted like someone so old he was practically one tapioca pudding cup away from going in the home. The kids’ Hollwood-ized Southern accents were so thick the viewers needed subtitles. We’re not even going to talk about how overacted the courtroom scene was.

Even worse, crucial scenes in the book were left out. I know, I know. If they had included every great scene in the book, the movie would have lasted longer than it took the Titanic to actually sink (although in THAT movie, it didn’t sink fast enough to save us from more scenes with Jack and Rose).

The real problem for me, though, was that they just didn’t put enough effort into it. It was the sixties. It was all nostalgia-like in black and white to make it super dramatic and to make everybody look really, really poor. It was about racial tension in the South. OF COURSE IT WAS GOING TO WIN THE OSCAR! It was going to win the Oscar BEFORE THEY EVER MADE IT! It could have starred Soupy Sales in the role of Boo Radley and it was going to win! Ergo, it’s like they knew they didn’t even have to try.

So it’s high-time someone made a new version. We had to put up with a new Superman, why can’t we have a new Mockingbird? And I will stab someone in the eye socket if Spielberg or James Cameron or that fat guy who made Bowling for Columbine and protests everything gets to produce it. I think Penny Marshall would do an awesome job. One of those adorable Fanning sisters should be Scout (surely their parents have had another kid by now to capitalize on their brand marketing…see if the new one is busy).

I am Prozac-level gripped-in-fear that somebody would think George Clooney or Matthew McConaughy should play Atticus and then we’d be stuck with two hours of the older gentleman-lawyer walking around shirtless, probably even in the part where he’s reading the paper in front of the jail to protect Tom Robinson from the lynch mob. That would be the scene where Bruce Willis would fly in—probably also shirtless—and blow everyone to pieces with his flame thrower bazooka. Then they’d have the robots from Transformers (led by a now-lucid and verbal Boo Radley) stomp through the streets, scattering the racist farmers like so many cockroaches and destroying the courthouse to prevent the ultimate injustice from ever taking place.

Nevermind. I’ll just watch the original.

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10 thoughts on ““And the Oscar Is Revoked From…”

  1. Boo Hiss. I loved the movie….well, Atticus was sort of stilted. He would be considered uppity in most southern towns and that would affect his business far more than taking on the case of the local black guy. appearances you know. Hollywood has never caught on to the fact that there is not ONE southern accent so they create towns were apparent Georgians, Kentuckians and Cajuns wander around trying to talk to each other. Southerners seem to be the last acceptable stereotype. We are all portrayed as either Miss Scarlet or the bubba sheriff from Smokey and the Bandit. Even I had accepted that to the point that I was shocked when I moved up north for a few years to discover that those good old folks are just as racist as anybody from my home town. But since those ideas don’t seem to have changed, I doubt a new Mockingbird would be any more true to the novel though maybe I would pay to see a shirtless George Clooney………

  2. I think movies should repulse the general public and encourage them to pick up a different habit: Reading. So make the movies as crappy as can be.

    Let’s have Michael “SPLOSIONS!” Bay direct, Gerard Depardieu as Atticus, CGI Jim Carrey into a female child for Scout, and Chris Tucker as Tom Robinson.

    If we can’t bankrupt Hollywood with that movie, there is no hope.

    • I’m going to have to delete your post before someone takes your wonderful idea and thinks you were serious about it! Kidding, you and I both know the people who would put that cast of characters on the screen don’t read blogs about how great the book was!

  3. I liked the movie for a movie but the book did put it to shame! I’ve always wondered why hollywood- with a little ‘h’– has always brought in people from the British Empire and other non-southerns to play the critical rolls in southern films. And they still do it today. Did you see Cold Mountain?

    I also agree about the Oscar being selected before the film was out because of content. It’s kind of like Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize- before he did anything- still hasn’t.

    That’s entertainment!

    • I didn’t vote for the man either, but I have to say he at least gets the Nobel Peace Can Coozie for even agreeing to run. The political machine that put him on the ballot was probably just interested in any qualified Black man to ensure the Democrat ticket (same reason the Republicans threw a woman on the VP ticket, even though her daughter had just announced her teen pregnancy to her family). I have to admit that Obama had the courage to run. Many qualified Black politicians have come before him who refused to run for Office because they wouldn’t put their families through the circus, and if any family deserves our respect and even a little admiration its Michele and the girls.

      And oh my gosh have you watched True Blood? Not to discriminate, but I don’t know if there’s an American in the cast, let alone in a starring role! I’m pretty sure one of them doesn’t even speak English, they just whisper his lines into his ear piece. The accents are horrible! First of all, becaue these are Cajuns and yet somehow we can understand them!

      • Hi Lorca,

        I guess I shouldn’t make a reply to your comments but- what the hell– I am.
        And maybe I shouldn’t have put in a political figure into a movie theme– but I did.

        My comment about Obama was not a racial statement but of how the power brokers manipulate us– or try to. Obama is President and I give him full credit and congradulations for that. I don’t care for the direction he is trying to lead us– but respect the man and what he has done. As for his wife, Michele; all I see is how much it is costing the tax payers for famous excursions. To be the first in most anything is an accomplishment and involves a degree of bravery. My hats off to him

        You brought in the ‘black’ of his accomplishments and I do understand.
        I only want to let you know I am no racist. My wife is Asian, My three children are of multiple heritage. One son is married to a wonderful black lady whom I love dearly. She had two children from a previous marriage that I consider my grandchildren and love. I also have a grandson who is Black, White, Asian and Cheokee. I give him the Cherokee part and the White.

        I love him so much I wrote a book for him to read when he is older about some of the cruelties he might encounter as he goes through school. Something all my children experienced.

        I took no offense at your comments but did want to shed a bit of light on where I come from. I love your blog and wit!

        Dannie Hill

          • Oops, I hit reply and I wasn’t done talking! :~) That’s one of those things that I’ve had happen, usually in email. I’m sitting at my computer laughing my head off as I write, and by the time it makes its way to the recipient the literal words on the screen don’t come through as funny anymore. I’m glad to live in a place where the populace can laugh its leaders…I just wish they didn’t give us so much good material!

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