Penis Cakes for Everyone!

I’m not sure where the parenting fail actually occurred, but there’s something to be said for a man who emails his daughter and says, “You have to write about the penis cakes.” Interestingly, that was my dad, and it was my mom who actually used the words (in English, even), “Lorca has to get her hands all over this penis cake thing.” Thanks, Mom and Dad. Do you remember those years when I didn’t live at home? When I was busy getting a Master’s degree in English? Just checking.

Yes, my dad sent me a link, presumably because the headline was too enticing for me to pass up. He knew I’d have something to say about this:

Mandatory Penis Cakes For ‘Homosexual Weddings’  (you’re welcome, Dad)

Sadly, “mandatory penis cakes” (while not words that I’ve ever strung together on purpose…in English) is not the worst thing wrong with that article. No, the incorrect use of single quotation marks isn’t the worst problem either, but I applaud you for thinking that. I think it might have been the words, “Orwellian concepts of ‘tolerance’ and ‘inclusiveness’,” in the actual article. Because apparently you’re a commie douche canoe if you think we should support tolerance in this country.

I’m a published author, so I can tell you with total authority that yes, George Orwell’s books 1984 and Animal Farm were totally about penis cakes. You may not realize it–and I’m sure you didn’t realize it in your eleventh grade lit class–but Big Brother was actually a porno baker and Manor Farm was actually the name of a gay night club in Orwell’s home town.

I could be way off base here, but I’m pretty sure that Gov. Brewer vetoing a bill in Arizona is not going to result in the animals overthrowing the farm and then celebrating with a penis cake. I’m also a little saddened that the Tea Party refused to acknowledge the lesbian weddings where they would actually shun all things penis, baked or otherwise, and opt for a vagina cake. There’s that Limbaughian ‘lack of tolerance’ rearing its ugly head.

Even better is the comparison some shitsnacks are making that being forced to bake a penis cake is actually like slavery. I’m gonna have to go all Princess Bride on this article and say, “I do not think that word means what you think it means.” I’m just not seeing the correlation between being shipped on a boat and sold at auction to work in the cotton fields for the rest of your now-short life, and being forced to acknowledge that the people around you are actually people, thereby rewarding them for their human status with cake.

Guess what really should result in mandatory penis cakes? Morons with verbal diarrhea who manage to offend three different groups of people (homosexuals, African-Americans, and cake fans) in one really unthought-out article. I kind of wanted Jan Brewer to veto the bill on the grounds that it was just immoral, but now I hope she did it out of spite.

11 responses

  1. I’m not going to click on any link that has “Mandatory penis cakes” in the description, so I will assume that the article is really about Hostess Ding Dongs with white creamy filling. Thus I go merrily on my way, unscarred.

    1. And thus scarring the rest of us. Thanks

  2. Well, while I support gay marriage, as a caterer I can tell you I draw the line at producing either penis cakes or vagina cakes. Or naked whippy BDSM cakes or butt plug cakes. Somehow there must be a way for businesses to refuse some services.
    Let’s say, for example, a man comes in and states – “I eat poo. It’s a legitimate lifestyle. Loads of people eat poo. You’re a caterer. I want to hire you to bake me a poo cake.” Can he take me to court if I refuse to bake him a poo cake?
    You see where I’m going with this. There has to be some way to protect the civil rights of all concerned parties. This is not a clear cut issue. Remember the signs No Shoes No Shirt No Service? Well, that’s discrimination against the otherwise-dressed.
    Sorry. I will bake you a pretty cake for your wedding, gay or straight, but I won’t bake penis cakes or vagina cakes or poo cakes. I believe I should have the legal right to refuse those kinds of requests.

    1. And I’m pretty sure you already have that right by a) being “too busy” with other clients’ work, b) stating “that is outside my area of expertise” or “I don’t have a license to handle feces cakes,” c) etc. And truthfully, the jerk off who wrote this article never looked it up. The current lawsuits where gay couples are suing a service provider for discrimination were flat out told, “I will not make you a normal, beautiful wedding cake because you’re gay and I don’t approve.” No one needed to say that. Just simply, “I can’t photograph your wedding, I’m booked that weekend,” is sufficient. NOW…are you kidding me? You make cakes and you won’t make ME a penis cake?! What if it’s a penis cake emergency and I ask really nicely?!

      1. I don’t know, Lorca – the I’m too busy or I’m booked might be construed as trying to avoid baking a poo cake. Because what if Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo finds out I wasn’t really booked, like what if we run into each other at a soccer tournament or something. He could sue me for refusing his business!
        Nope. No penis cakes, no exceptions. But I’m quite sure there are bakers who bake penis cakes with joyful abandon!
        I agree with you, but with one caveat. I do believe the couples asking for service from those particular merchants already knew what answer they would get.
        Let’s look at it this way– What did African-Americans do back in the day when they could not eat in the same restaurants as whites? They sat down at those lunch counters knowing they would get arrested. It was an act of civil disobedience designed to draw attention to rampant social injustice. My grandparents and my father were involved in this sort of civil disobedience.

        These actions, or lawsuits, while not particularly dangerous, are similar.
        The LGBT community is trying to draw attention to those specific merchants who for whatever reason will not serve them.
        So I have mixed feelings. I do not agree with discrimination. But still, if someone wants to hire me and tells me he or she wants a penis or a vagina wedding cake and I answer – I don’t make that kind of cake – exactly how do I defend my answer? Where are my legal protections? The fact that I don’t make those kinds of cakes has nothing whatsoever to do with discrimination. I simply don’t make those kinds of cakes and I shouldn’t have to lie about it. The truth is, I’m worried claiming that’s not my area of expertise just won’t cut it.

      2. Points are being missed. “I don’t make poo cakes” is not discrimination. discrimination is “I make licensed poo cakes, but I won’t make poo cakes for fogeys/women/Presbyterians/Asians.” Gays actually don’t have that kind of protection yet in most jurisdictions. (No one has to make poo cakes for lawyers or welders either…yet.)

        1. Oh Noes!! I have made a capitalization mistake in a missive to an editrix/dominatrix. Woe is me.

          1. I’ll let it slide. This time.

  3. Agree totally. I Just don’t understand why the idea of two total strangers getting married is enough to send some people unto total mouth frothing hysteria. But it does explain the various looney headlines. You said it so well, Lorca.

  4. This part killed me: “Or should a photographer be required to photograph a homosexual wedding where the participants decide they want to be nude or engage in sexual behavior? Would they force a Jewish photographer to work a Klan or Nazi event? How about forcing a Muslim caterer to work a pork barbeque [sic] dinner?”
    Because, you know, all the gays do is get naked and have sex all day long.

  5. Ah ha! Now I know where your amazingly delicious (I love cake, btw, penis or otherwise) sense of humor comes from. Any dad who would encourage his daughter to write about penis cakes is my kind of parent. And yes, I realize this issue is much larger than penis cakes (or any other penis, for that matter), but I love the way you handled it. (Oh, this is fun!) I’m gonna quit while I’m ahead. (Get it? A head? Please stop me. Now.)

    Enjoyed the way you tackled a prickly topic. Great job. Hello to your dad.

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