I Got Totally Gipped on this Elk I Bought

I really try to avoid dabbling in black market purchases, because with my luck, I’d end up accidentally purchasing an endangered elephant tusk filled with heroin and ground up black rhino horn. Even though the inmates at the jail taught me how to buy pot in the local government assisted housing (not kidding…kinda wish I was. Okay, really wish I was…), I’m just too chicken to buy any kind of contraband whatsoever. The guy could still be wearing his cop uniform and holding his Narc School Diploma, and I would still be clueless enough to fall into his sting operation.

So when I was offered the chance to procure a really big buttload of elk meat, I approached the deal with a lot of caution. How could I be sure that this wasn’t black market elk that had been inhumanely killed AND it was the last surviving male of the species? With my luck, there would have been oodles of elk running around, and I would be the person to illegally buy the last known elk because they had all died of rot-hoof, or something. I could be facing hard time.

Luckily, I happen to know the person who shot this contraband elk, and it was all on the up and up. He shot it, someone packaged it, I froze it. The end.

Except, I’m starting to notice a couple of things. First of all, unless this was an anorexic elk, there’s way too little meat. Unless elk are nothing but fluff, this thing is scrawny. Also, this elk tastes very cow-y, like maybe the little bit of meat they did manage to scrape off the bone was so puny that they had to mix it with beef, just to make it fill up more than a zip lock sandwich baggie.

On the bright side, elk is a very tender meat, at least the parts that are genuine elk. It doesn’t have the gamey taste that bald eagle does and it has far less gristle than polar bear. Oh stop, you know I don’t eat endangered food. I would be so busted if I did.

16 responses

  1. Hey just wanted to let you know that I’ve tagged you for the Liebster Award…http://aspiewriter.com/2013/01/liebster-award-tag-your-it.html

    Good fun!

    1. Thank you sooo much!!!

  2. You scored. If its truly wild game it should be scrawny…..Of course, If its from a local butcher there is no inspection so it could be anything. Do you live in a place where wild elk roam? If not, you might be suspicious. They rarely import them long distances to butcher them, On the plus side. whatever it is St Paul said we can safely eat it.

    1. That part about God ordaining me to eat it has gotten me through MANY dinners in my life.

  3. ROTFLMAO! You crack me up! Why haven’t I been by in like…forever? Oh, yeah. Writer’s cave. *sigh*
    Take care. Oh, and try not to do anything illegal while I’m gone. ;)

    -Jimmy

    1. NO promises, whatsoever. :)

  4. As someone who ate elk and deer for years because we couldn’t afford to buy meat, I’d be excited to buy elk that tasted like beef. You scored.

    1. LMAO they’re reproducing with cows, I swear! We just bought a HYBRID!

  5. Okay, if you ate that elk from Boulder, Colorado, I’m tellin’. That is REAL contraband. And you’d better watch out for the wasting disease that strikes wild ungulates. I’m a little worried about you…

    1. NOW you tell me. Thanks, sista!

  6. That’s ok my sweet over here in the UK they have just discovered that the supermarkets are selling 100% Beef burgers that just happen to have horse and pig meat as an added bonus…. So your tale isn’t that unusual Hun …. xxxxx http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/9804632/Tesco-beef-burgers-found-to-contain-29-horse-meat.html#

    1. Ugh! I’m not usually one to get up in arms about political correctness, but what about all the people whose religions forbid that??? Those poor people, I can only imagine how it felt to read THAT tidbit in the paper!

      1. Yes, while the sorry set the puns rolling no end I’ll bet there were a few people who were retching at the thought, just as well I try and buy from the local butcher and put my faith in him that his standards are a bit better than others….

        1. Lucky. We don’t have a locally-owned butcher. Our meat comes shrink wrapped on a truck. Hence I’m willing to take my chances with black market elk.

  7. This is hilarious! I just love you for making my day– again and again. You write like I think. And with everything going horribly wonky in my life the past few years, I want you to know that your posts are often the brightest spots of my day. Thank you!

    1. I am truly grateful that you told me that. All joking and potty humor aside, I really do just like to share the bizarrity that is my life, hoping that it brightens someone’s day!

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