This Shirt Means Instant Birth Control

I just got back from another whirlwind trip to NY for my job and I’m pretty fried. That could be why THIS struck me as so inappropriately funny while still being just the saddest thing ever.

Wow. Just...wow.

Wow. Just…wow.

This shirt was actually for sale in the Sky Mall catalog in the seat back on the airplane (go ahead, click that link and see if I’m lying). It’s name is The One Of A Kind Shirt. It retails for between $99 and $299, depending on the size you need, and no, you don’t get to pick the color scheme. It is seriously made from the parts of other shirts, like a Frankenshirt for douche bags who have more money than brains.

The greatest asset this shirt can offer you is total birth control, and I mean, like, somehow even more effective than abstinence. If you even own one of these shirts, let alone were actually wearing it for a night on the town, you will never need to worry about being slapped with a paternity suit after a drunken encounter at a bar because there is no way in hell you fathered a child with anyone. Not even a colorblind, legally blind, vision impaired person. Simply putting ON the shirt causes impotence and hanging the shirt in your closet causes all your sperm to die at once.

In other only vaguely related news, my husband needed to know all kinds of interesting stuff about birth control for church (that’s a whole other blog post), so I helped him look up lots of information on birth control. Turns out, God thinks we’re doing it wrong. If we were¬† in the Duggar family’s church, we’re twenty-three children short of the goal, but if we were Unitarian, God thinks we’re actually going for overkill by having as many kids as we already have. I started explaining things to him with the basics since I’m a biology teacher, but my husband’s eyes glazed over before I even finished explaining barrier method vs chemical method. I’m just gonna buy him this shirt instead.

9 responses

    1. It’s like they went out and found the man most likely to wear that shirt…complete with sunburn.

  1. If you only look at the left half or the right half, it’s kind of OK, but it’s probably too much to expect a woman to squint all the way through a date LOL

    1. Or to turn her head sideways. Or to be really, really dumb.

  2. AAAAAACK! Coughing up a hairball.

  3. Well there are only so many ways to literally cover your ass and since the fashion industry wants us to keep buying stuff they have to keep coming up with new “gotta have this” stuff. Sometimes they so miss!!!

    1. Right, but I’m pretty sure these shirts are leftover from the 80s when Garth Brooks was rocking them on the country stage. Ouch.

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