Be ready, the world is ending. Trust me, I mean it this time. I was pretty sure that if Harold Camping’s May 22nd and the Mayan’s December 21st didn’t come through for us, surely this being the first year since 1987 that doesn’t have repeating numerals in the four digits that make up the year had to mean something.

There are a lot of signs of an impending apocalypse, and I’m not talking about more of that “be ready, the zombies are coming” crap. I also don’t mean the Mayans again, whom I had really hoped were right just so we could stop being stupid with the comical threats of apocalii (that’s the new made-up plural of apocalypse…so sayeth me). Signs the world is going to end soon:

1) Milk costs more than beer.

2) Both of those cost less than an equivalent amount of Play Doh.

3) The highest paid internet star is a cat.

4) The cat has a staff of people who keep it secluded from hordes of fans who want to lick its fur and collect its droppings.

5) Those fans are actually human beings.

6) There are TWO different TV shows about how Amish people act a lot like the cast of Jersey Shore.

7) Someone, somewhere, decided to allow Kim Kardashian to reproduce. The future offspring already has a TV show in the works, even though there is a “learns to walk upright” clause.

Please, asteroid that hurtled frighteningly close to our planet (well, frighteningly close in NASA miles…it was really far away in “I have to walk there” miles), please come back and take another swipe at us. And if you do know the date you will hit us, please be considerate to let me know if it will be in the morning or afternoon, unlike those fundamentalist Christians and ancient civilization people.