The Real End of the World. Not the Mayan Kind.

Be ready, the world is ending. Trust me, I mean it this time. I was pretty sure that if Harold Camping’s May 22nd and the Mayan’s December 21st didn’t come through for us, surely this being the first year since 1987 that doesn’t have repeating numerals in the four digits that make up the year had to mean something.

There are a lot of signs of an impending apocalypse, and I’m not talking about more of that “be ready, the zombies are coming” crap. I also don’t mean the Mayans again, whom I had really hoped were right just so we could stop being stupid with the comical threats of apocalii (that’s the new made-up plural of apocalypse…so sayeth me). Signs the world is going to end soon:

1) Milk costs more than beer.

2) Both of those cost less than an equivalent amount of Play Doh.

3) The highest paid internet star is a cat.

4) The cat has a staff of people who keep it secluded from hordes of fans who want to lick its fur and collect its droppings.

5) Those fans are actually human beings.

6) There are TWO different TV shows about how Amish people act a lot like the cast of Jersey Shore.

7) Someone, somewhere, decided to allow Kim Kardashian to reproduce. The future offspring already has a TV show in the works, even though there is a “learns to walk upright” clause.

Please, asteroid that hurtled frighteningly close to our planet (well, frighteningly close in NASA miles…it was really far away in “I have to walk there” miles), please come back and take another swipe at us. And if you do know the date you will hit us, please be considerate to let me know if it will be in the morning or afternoon, unlike those fundamentalist Christians and ancient civilization people.

10 responses

  1. I think that we should all get together as a race, but exclude all the doomsday ‘preppers’ from the dialogue and plan an April 1st end of the world trick on them. We’ll start putting it out there that the ‘Inca Toilet Paper’ runs out on April 1st 2012 and then the media will play scenes of devastation, radio will do an ‘Orson Welles’ style drama about the world ending and we can secretly film the doomsday ‘preppers’, put cameras in their bunkers and broadcast it live. We could put it out there that they had to stay under ground for a year and watch them on a reality TV show for a year. By August they’d be beating the shit out of each other for the last snack pack of Doritos; driving each other mental in an enclosed space. Alternatively we could all collude on a fake end of the world and have the governments and media reveal a secret plan to save all the celebrities, we could then lock them in an underground bunker, the government will have one big enough, and tell them they have to stay underground for ten years. We could watch them on a reality TV show. Watching the Beckhams, Bieber, the Kardashians et al shouting ‘Do you know who I am?’ at each other as they fight over the last pack of face cream would be a hoot! Happy apocalypse Lorca!

    1. I love it! Of course, this strikes to close to home. Every once in a while I emerge from my home office to find that several family members have shed their articles of clothing, apparently while walking through the house. Socks here, work shirts there, maybe a pair of pants or two left on the floor…for a split second I always wonder if the Rapture happened and I missed it.

  2. Ditto.

  3. I do everything I can not to validate Kim K’s “celebrity.” I try not to read any one of the “news” articles about her that come across my phone, but I did read one of the ones about the pregnancy, I couldn’t help myself…and I did big eyerolls through the whole thing! Between this idiot kid and Snooki’s idiot kid, we may be doomed! :-s

    1. Oh god. OMG! What if Kim’s baby and Snooki’s baby REPRODUCE? It will spark REVERSE EVOLUTION!

      1. Oh Sweet Mother! I could have lived without THAT recurring nightmare for the next 13 years! :-s

  4. it’s the 2nd of January, I’ve been back in work for 5 1/2 hrs oh, and 40 mins in I needed to go to the pharmacy for some headache tabs and now I can’t think of a witty comment to put here, so can you hurry that comet along please … Happy New Year

    1. Trust me, if I had the power to move a comet, there are so many more things I would do with that ability. Hope your headache feels better!

  5. CPS informs me that even though beer is cheaper than milk now, I am not allowed to pour it on my children’s cereal. What gives?

    1. I dunno. Sounds legit, and should totally be covered by WIC as a savings to the taxpayers.

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