There Goes My Plan to Open a Llama Brothel

As always, I’m a day late to the picnic, meaning that just when I latch onto a great idea, somebody beat me to it. In this case, it’s the government of Germany.

Just when I was CERTAIN that I could make a fortune by raising farm animals with the express purpose of renting them out to weirdos for sex parties, Germany had to go and ban zoophilia farms. I’ll be right back, I have to go throw up before finishing this blog post.

Okay, I’m back. Apparently, there are underground animal love farms (well, okay, the farms are not actually under the ground) where tourists can do some heavy petting. For money. I’m sorry, nope, I’ll be right back again.

Okay, I’m back. Here’s the absolutely golden best part of this story: animal love advocates are angry that the government is shutting them down. Wait, I think…no, I’m good.

I seriously need a bumber sticker for whichever advocacy group thinks you should be allowed to have sex with a llama. Because I’m totally going to stick it on my friend’s car. I figure it will take weeks of honking and ugly stares from the other motorists before he thinks to go check and see if there’s something wrong with his bumper. And when he goes back there, yes, there will be something horribly wrong with his bumper.

Even better, this sparked the creation of the anti-advocating-sex-with-animals-group, so now there’s an organized group of people who protest the animal love people. It is SERIOUSLY called “Veterinarians Against Zoophilia.” I’m sorry, I’m gonna need one of those bumper stickers, too.

The absolute worst part of this whole story is it was brought to you by the Huffington Post. Be sure to check out the slide show of mug shots of people who’ve been arrested for having pictures of animal porn on their computers. I’m gonna go throw up again.

Dude, really, she’s totally giving you the look. You should go get her number.

12 responses

  1. You’re going to hell for posting this

    1. Oh no, not for this. Maybe for most of the stuff I wrote last year, definitely…

  2. just when I think I have plumbed the depths of creepy……thanks, Lorca for broadening my horizons.

  3. Oh my god…. Guess this is behind the Boulder, CO, idea of making us animal guardians, not owners.

    1. That’s just so your pets can report you to DHR for not letting them watch Animal Planet.

  4. “bumber sticker”? How Freudian is that? LOL. I loved that other story from Germany: The government made brothels legal, then refused unemployment assistance to a woman who refused to accept a job in a brothel.

    1. Oh, that’s nice. Glad to see the war on woman spread its wings.

  5. I could’ve been your marketing consultant. We name the place, “The Dolly Llama” or maybe just “Dollllywood”!

    1. Please get to work on my bumper sticker campaign.

      1. Site it on the outskirts of Tuscaloosa and name it “Bama Llama Ding-Dong”. Warning: you’ll need extra staff and extra ALpacas every year during fraternity rush week!

        1. Just during Rush Week? Yeah, right. That close to Tuscaloosa that place will be hopping year ’round.

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