I Don’t Have a Really Good Excuse for Not Owning a Globe

I was watching TV the other day, and it’s a toss up as to whether it was Dancing with the Stars or Hoarders. I despise both of those shows, but they aren’t so bad that I will actually use calories to get up and get the remote if they come on. My husband was working on something silently at the kitchen counter.

HIM: Where do we keep our globe?

ME: Did you try the garage?

HIM: Why would it be in the garage?

ME: That’s where we keep really, really big stuff.

HIM: Globes aren’t big.

ME: Of course they are. They are the whole planet.

HIM: It’s not in there.

ME: Where else have you looked?

HIM: Nowhere. I just wanted you to tell me where it is so I don’t have to look for it.

ME: I know. And THAT is why I suggested you look in the garage. We don’t actually have a globe.

HIM: Are you sure?

ME: Let me think about it.

HIM: You’re being mean again, aren’t you?

ME: Yup.

HIM: Do we seriously not own a globe? That just blows my mind.

ME: THAT is what’s going to keep you awake tonight? Our lack of globe ownership?

HIM: We just seem like globe people.

ME: Well, sorry. We’re four-foot-by-six-foot-wall-map people. It’s been hanging in the hallway for eight years.

HIM: I can’t use a map. It doesn’t tell you how far apart the countries are.

ME: When did that happen?

HIM: What?

ME: When did the cartographers of the world get together and decide that maps should be completely pointless? OF COURSE they tell you how far apart the countries are! Use the little scale at the bottom.

HIM: That little line? It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just decorative.

ME: So, are the words, “One inch equals one hundred miles,” also decorative?

HIM: That’s real? An inch really is one hundred miles on this map?

ME: Remember how I’m so bad at math that I’m not even allowed to write in the checkbook? How is it that I knew this, and you didn’t?

HIM: Why would you expect me to know that stuff? I’ve never used a map.

ME: So, Magellan, how was the life growing up carrying a globe around on the front seat of the car?

It’s great when I finally get to pretend to be the smart one, so I kept that conversation going a lot longer than I should have, and way past the point of being funny.

UPDATE: I remember what I was watching on TV now. It was Storage Wars, which I only know because I kid you not, one of the auctioned storage units had a globe! It was like falling through a time portal, or something.

 

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5 responses

  1. My husband and I recently had a screaming match regarding who can best interpret scientific studies. Just because I can’t do trig and calculus does not mean I don’t understand data.
    I called him an idiot – not my usual style but the insult was deserved. Because when I asked for his sources he replied, NPR. And he thought NPR was an adequate substitute for reading actual studies on the topic of discussion. I’ve read the studies.

    1. LOL, I was jealous for a second that your husband listened to NPR! Mine would have cited Fox News or a pro wrestling channel!

      1. I do not believe in getting information from a single source, especially a single source with an agenda on either side. :)

  2. Crap! We don’t have a globe either.
    Hey, Lorca. This has become a weekly occurance: I read your post, giggle a lot (ok, it sounds cooler when I do it, than it does when I write about it), find my wife and bring her up to date on the goings on in your part of the world. It has become required reading in the Garcia house!

    -Jimmy

    1. I’m so glad. I hope she’s learning really valuable things about why she should stab you in your sleep. You might want to rethink this plan. :)

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