I Never Got to Be a Slutty Nurse for Halloween

When I was a brand-new just-emerged-from-the-womb human, something horrible happened: my father went crazy. My father grew up in an all boys’ boarding school, then joined the military, then got married and fathered two sons. I threw a glorious wrench in his all-male upbringing and quite frankly, he wasn’t really sure what to do with me other than threaten anyone who came within five hundred yards.

I had a pretty sheltered childhood, obviously. There were no miniskirts, the no makeup ’til sixteen rule, and no 80s big hair, I’m sad to say. But I never really felt the pinch except at Halloween time.

From the beginning, I just kind of dressed like my brothers. I was a baby, what did I know? Eventually it became obvious to people in the community that I was actually a girl, so I got to masquerade as cute things like Holly Hobbie or Laura Ingalls or an Amish person. Eventually, though, I got tall enough to fight the Amish costumes, so my dad tried desperately to steer me towards anything that would create a full-body coverup costume.

He would work for weeks in his garage making me a robot costume that had working lights and beepy noises. One year I was a dragon, complete with hood and face mask, only the face mask breathed fire when my dad would hit the button on my wrist and flick a Zippo in front of the mouth part. No Mythbusters-style tactic was too over the top if it meant I would not be dressed as a slutty nurse that year.

The problem is, they don’t make costumes for slutty Holly Hobby or slutty Laura Ingalls or slutty Amish, although I bet I could make some money off an Amish dress with tear away Velcro tabs. I could market any of those outfits to strip clubs that are situated awfully close to farming communities.

Eventually I outgrew Halloween, and my dad breathed a sigh of relief. And as an adult I often dress up for trick-or-treating, but it’s usually a themed costume to match the kids; the sexiest costume I ever got to wear was when my daughter went as Hermione Granger and her sister went as the person Hermione turned into a frog…I got to be the crazy lady, Bellatrix. Nothing says sexy like teasing your hair and blacking out some of your teeth.

I haven’t really given any thought to a costume for this year, but for “slutty” to be the adjective in front of it I’m going to need to lose a few pounds, which is perfect: this year, slutty exercise fanatic, next year, the world.

9 responses

  1. Loved this. I was usually something tomboyish like a hobo with the burnt-cork smudges on my cheeks, but secretly I really wanted to be the slutty French maid. Never say never ;)

    1. Do it. You must dress as a slutty maid this year. It’s for women everywhere, and it will piss off the GOP (unless they’re trying to cheat on their wives with you).

  2. Wait! You used “slutty nurse” in this post just to see how many creepy guys would trip over themselves trying to get here quickly enough, didn’t you? Damn! I fall for it every time! ;)

    -Jimmy

    1. I also tagged it with Amish stripper, just so I could alert Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC.

  3. I didn’t wear makeup until I was 18 LOL. I also never dressed as a slutty nurse… oh wait, we don’t do Halloween here. Well, I DID once dress as a slightly slutty pirate. Your daughter makes a good Hermione, and you’re not a bad Bellatrix either!

    1. Thanks…I think I still have some of the black stuff stuck in my teeth.

  4. Three Cheers for Slutty Nurses Everywhere! #LOL

    1. You might be a little biased!

  5. Like your Halloweeny look! At least you put on a costume. The most I’ve done in recent years is a wear some sports jersey!

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