You’d Think They’d Want to Know If I’m Pregnant Before They Kill The Guy

Okay, so that title is actual words that I accidentally spoke out loud at a completely inappropriate time. In the gas station. Really, really out loud. Here’s what happened:

I made this “without thinking” kind of decision way back in college. When most people do something reckless in college without thinking it through all the way, somebody becomes a baby mamma. Luckily, I’m such a nerd that when I did something in college without thinking, it was donating blood on the blood mobile. And the afterthought was to say, “Sure, go ahead, register me on the bone marrow registry list.”

Twenty-mumble-mumble years later, I got the call. I’m a match for a man who needs my bone marrow. My current line of reasoning is pity for the poor man who receives my bone marrow, but then I also start to think, “Suck it, cancer patient, you are about to be filled to the brim with the sideshow carnival that is my bone marrow.”

Right off the bat, the worst news was that I have to stop drinking until the donation. It was a close call, because that man was ALMOST gonna die. Oh stop, you know I don’t love cheap merlot more than a fellow human being. I gave up the drinking. Then I found out that if I got pregnant, I couldn’t donate. Let me tell you that I’ve thought it through completely and the death of another human being might not be the absolute worst thing to come out of this scenario if I were pregnant. More to the point, if I were pregnant, there would be a dead man lying around, and trust me, it wouldn’t be the cancer patient.

Luckily, I have enough self-control to stop drinking and I’m not pregnant. The process by which doctors will suck the squish out of my bones is a go.

Then I learned that they have to kill off all his bone marrow before he can get any of mine, and they’re going to start that on Friday. And on the following Tuesday, I have to go pee on something and prove I’m not pregnant. Something weird occurred to me as I was talking to my mom about this whole thing:

“Wouldn’t you think they’d want to make sure I’m not pregnant before the start killing the guy?” I asked. Unfortunately, I have no filter, and I was standing in line in the gas station when I said those words all together. No, I wasn’t buying wine. I already said I had self-control.

Let’s just say, when you spit all those words out one right after another, people stare. It was really weird. They don’t even pretend that they’re not staring. They just look and look and look. I also learned there’s really no good way to explain why you just said all that, so I blurted out, “I really hope they catch the guy who did it,” and bolted from the gas station.

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20 responses

  1. Yeah, that figures. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how good you are or how many good things you do people will judge on you on the last things you did or said. It explains the pitch forks and flame torches we often see in the media. Stuff really happens to you doesn’t it. A lot of your blog entries put together would make a good TV series. That’s no comfort really is it? Did the guy live? Or is that bit yet to come?

    1. that part is coming up. I’m supposed to donate at the end of the month, but the good news is, I’m not pregnant!

  2. Hello there! After reading several of your posts, I decided to nominate you for a Reader Appreciation Award.
    If you want to play along and spread the love, read my post (link below) for what you need to do next.

    http://blog.karilynncollins.com/2012/08/16/color-me-giddy.aspx

  3. Great post! I love it when life’s incongruities come leaking out at the most inopportune time, leaving the world at large with a genuine WTF? moment.

    I hope all goes well with the bone marrow transplant… for both you, and the almost dead guy.

    1. Oh yeah, it’s a barrel of laughs when stuff comes leaking out of my brain!!!

  4. ciaraballintyne | Reply

    I think you’ve made an excellent point – it does seem kind of redundant to cehck if you’re pregnant AFTER they have already passed the point of no return. So…um… what WOULD they do if the test on Tuesday came back positive. ‘Uh, sorry mate, we made a boo-boo – looks like you’re gonna die anyway!”?

    1. Yup! That’s why I went yesterday. Not that there’s ANY chance (and I mean ANY…nope…no way..not gonna happen) that I’m pregnant, but I couldn’t sleep thinking that my stupid hooha could mean life or death. I rarely like my girlie parts to hold the fate of the world in their hands.

  5. I remember a funny TV commercial like this where the coffee got poured before the cup was placed. Timing really IS everything. What a SUPER gift you are giving and what a wonderful example for us AND your children, at work AND at home.

    1. Thanks! I was going to do it for the free T-shirt, then I realized I should just do it because the world is a better place when people step. And because I found out there isn’t really a free T-shirt. That’s the blood mobile.

  6. It should be easy to be sure you are not pregnant by Tues…..since you have such self-control and all……just sayin’

  7. You are a wonderful human being. I agree with you about killing the guy before testing your pee. And I wish I had been there.

    1. Wait, you want to be there when I pee, or when I blurt out random crap in the gas station? Either way, I’m sure it would be fun to have you as as accomplice!

  8. I think it’s a perfectly valid question to ask. Entirely sensible, in fact.

    1. Thank you. It’s been bugging me so much that I actually called the clinic and asked them to move it up. I peed on it today, and I am officially not pregnant. Both men get to live.

  9. Wow. You are so cool. I mean, how long does this donation take? Does it hurt? Does the poor guy know what he’s getting into? :)

    1. OMG are you seriously implying he should get to pick his donor, AND that he might not choose me? He’s not picking a sperm donor, for crying out loud! :)

  10. LOL! That’s hilarious
    !

  11. Well apart from the strangeness of saying it out loud in a queue to pay for gas and having the rest of the folk, particularly the men folk, standing in line thinking they are likely to be added to kill list with more than one or two (men) and possibly women thinking as they look at you out of the corner of their eyes, ‘well I can think of worse ways to go after having a session with this bird (colloquialism)’

    I think it’s a very pertinent question and if I were to be the recipient of your nutty dna I would like not to have my own killed off until they were sure I could have yours

    Oh, and well done you for going through with even if you couldn’t remember signing the forms, are you sure you did? xxxx

    1. Yes, I remember signing the forms. Wait, what forms?

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