Congrats. These are the sexy women who want to meet you online.


That got your attention, you pervert. I see what you did there. You saw “penis” and clicked on it. The government is coming after you now. Actually, I seem to have the smallest penis in the world. I’m also really, really fat and I’m bald. According to all the spam I get in my inbox, those three things are the most pressing issues in my life. The entire internet thinks I need hair, diet pills, and a penis stretcher to increase my manhood.

Since I’m not fat and I’m not bald and I’m pretty sure I never had a penis (and if I did, the doctors removed it when I was born to keep me from being a hermaphrodite), I can only assume that all these companies who send me this email don’t actually know me.

Why can’t I ever get junk email that I can actually use? Where are all the spammers that want to sell me a really hunky mail-order foreign man to do light housework and perform sexual favors, all for the price of room and board and an illegal green card? Where is the flood of emails that send me reminder notes about school science projects so I don’t have to find a wadded up Xeroxed paper in the bottom of my kid’s backpack that says she has to have painted the solar system on little Styrofoam balls by tomorrow?

My real concern is all the emails I get from people being held hostage in other countries. I could be wrong about this but if my email inbox is any indication, there are about 43,000 people being held RIGHT NOW against their will in a closet in Indonesia but they all somehow remembered to bring their laptops into the closet with them so they could email me for help and they all happen to have my email address in their computers. Luckily, IF I help pay the ransom to get them out of the closet, all 43,000 of them are the children of rich people and their parents are going to pay me triple the ransom amount. Ditto all those bankers in Taiwan who know a dead customer and are willing to share the guy’s money with me if I help them get it out of the country. And ditto those children of deposed Nigerian royalty.

Of course, with all the money I’m going to get from these people when their wire transfers finally come through, I’ll finally have enough to get that penis stretcher I’ve been needing.