I’m So Awesome, People Line Up To Make Me Awesomer


I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way Lorca is this amazing without a full staff of lackeys who work ‘round the clock to make her this…well, awesome. And the answer is, you’re right. People line up to do my bidding because the Earth would simply stop spinning if I weren’t so freaking amazing. Yes, as a matter of fact, I have been drinking and taking cold medicine at the same time.

Let me be the first to tell you, it’s smoke and mirrors, my friend. In fact, from time to time people ask me how I manage to do it all. The answer is simple. Crystal meth. Just kidding. But thanks to a cruel twist of genetic fate that produced a child who doesn’t need more than five hours sleep in a forty-hour period, I’ve learned to tap into those previously wasted hours that occur between 9:00pm and 2:00am. I’m uber-productive at that time.

But occasionally, the awesomeness that is me does need a little help from the back-up dancers, and so at this time I would like to thank the little people who helped make my most recent novel possible. Just shove me over when I get too full of myself.

I’ve already mentioned that the very nice man who founded the website InsectsAreFood.com was not only helpful, but extremely punctual in his helpfulness. I hadn’t even gotten the horrible image of having a cricket leg stuck to the roof of my mouth out of my head yet when this man emailed his response to my really stupid list of questions. Face it, has anyone ever asked YOU what bugs taste like? How about, “Is it okay if I mix them with beef fat and make it into a paste?” I think not, but this man didn’t even blink. I, however, threw up in my mouth while typing that question. The Insect Man is awesome.

I also relied heavily on a website founded by a man simply called Merriweather. How do you not love someone, male or female, named Merriweather? He OWNS that name. And he owns a great website called ForagingTexas.com. If you and I are ever lost in the middle of nowhere in Texas and have to eat plants, we can look up that website on our smartphones (instead of ordering pizzas on those smartphones) and eat stuff we find, thanks to Merriweather. More importantly, my main characters didn’t die in Chapter 2 from eating poisonous plants, making my novel the shortest novel ever.

And very importantly, a wonderful HAM radio operator very, very patiently explained why my entire book premise won’t work because radios actually do use a lot more electricity than one solar panel can provide, but then he was very nice about explaining how I could possibly still make it work. Thank you, Larry Barr (K5WLF) of the TAARC ham radio club, for answering all forty-three of my emails.

These people join my hall of fame of people who make me look really, really smarter than I am. I thank you heartily.

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2 responses

  1. AW! I did happen to notice that there was not a shout out for the parents who produced such a freakin’ awesome daughter ….but hey. I know they are uber proud of you!!

  2. You’re gonna bake them a nice fire ant pie or something to thank them, right?

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